What If
by AnimeDutchess
Summary: A crazy story written over summer vacation, edited, and posted now! Includes minor cursing and mention of drugs, so says the T rating. Better summary inside no official parings.
1. Why is Everything Blue?

_**What If…**_

By AnimeDutchess

**_Chapter 1: Why's Everything Blue?_**

A/N: Whoa, I can't believe I'm writing this…anyway, hi, I'm AnimeDutchess, and this is my first FMA fanfic. I'm writing this while I think of ideas for my Kingdom Hearts fanfic, which is a more serious story but still pretty good, or so people have told me. Anyway, this is where I get my randomness out! Enjoy!

…Actually, I'm really procrastinating…I have major writer's block and procrastinating is the only way I deal with it, so if you read my KH fic, don't expect an update anytime soon…unfortunately…

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Summary Dude: A parody of Futurama's What If Machine! Winry is given the parts and instructions to make an amazing machine that will answer everyone's questions! Unfortunately, once she's finished with the machine, every major character in FMA (a.k.a. the main ones that populate most fics like these) appears and is trapped in her house with a deranged fangirl/fanfic authoress, A.K.A. the person who gave Winry the machine stuff, A.K.A. me! What's a blonde mechanic to do? Make everyone ask the machine stupid questions, that's what!

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Disclaimer Dude: AnimeDutchess owns nothing but herself, this story, me, the Narrator, the Random Questions Dude, the Next Chapter Dude, the Summary Dude, the Warning Dude, the What If questions she comes up with, the bizarre situations, and Ed's pocket watch! holds up pocket watch

Ed: snatches pocket watch I'll be taking that back now, thanks. walks away

Disclaimer Dude: sigh Well, better luck next time.

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Warning Dude: This fic contains extreme randomness, chibi alchemists, parodies, miniskirts, pink sparkles, irresponsible use of alchemy, Automail, wrenches, excessive use of the word 'suspicious', and feigned accents. Side effects may include laughing your ass off, giving the authoress a weird look, milk coming out of your nose, and the Disclaimer Dude stealing your stuff. We recommend taking a thirty-second break after each fit of laughter.

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It was a beautiful day in Risembool's marketplace. Everyone was happy buying things and selling things. On this particular day, Winry Rockbell, the blonde teenage girl with an amazing talent for constructing Automail, was walking around looking at the items for sale.

"Wow, thanks for the compliments!" Winry said, reading the above text. Just then, a huge earthquake shook the town, but Winry was the only one who noticed.

"Gah! You broke the fourth wall!" Shouted the pissed Narrator, who is really a disembodied voice that is actually a random person shouting from the top of a building, "Now we have to pay people to fix it! Do you know how many times that thing is broken? And how many bakas like you break it? GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, WHY'D I EVER AGREE TO THIS?"

Winry just rolled her eyes and continued along, the Narrator now calmly doing his job…because I pay him…earthquake "GAH!" Oops. Anyway, moving on…

Winry was just walking around minding her own business when she spotted a suspicious looking street booth with suspicious looking items being sold by a suspicious looking person wearing a long, hooded cloak that hid any and all features, except that this person was most likely female, judging by how she wore the cloak. (Wow, that was a long sentence!)

"What a suspicious looking person," Winry said aloud in spite of herself. Still, the things the suspicious woman was suspiciously selling looked not only suspicious, but interesting as well…Winry just couldn't resist going over and browsing the items, at least.

"Ah, 'Ello, 'Ello, missy," The person said in a good (yet obviously feigned-that made her doubly suspicious) British accent, "I take it tha' you wan' a look?"

"Uh, sure," Winry said, giving the person a strange look. "You know, with the cloak and all, you look pretty suuuuuuu-SPIIIIIIIII-ciouuuuus."

"Oh, please, don't quote Foster's," The woman said, rubbing her head, "I STILL 'ave a 'eadache from the LAST time my brother quoted it."

"Eh…sorry, then," Winry said, feeling a bit weirded out. She then looked at all the suspicious items the suspicious woman was suspiciously selling (okay, I'll stop…for now…heh heh heh…). There were a bunch of boxes with things in them, advertisements for them including:

_Llama Shaver Deluxe: Shave your llamas in half the time it used to take!_

_Micro Casino: A miniature casino in a box! Micro Bar sold seperately._

_Angel Costume: Perfect for toddlers wanting to piss off their older sisters and not take the blame for it!_

_The Coffee IV: Stay awake on school nights to watch anime by putting caffeine directly into the bloodstream! Contains Five Hours, Around-The-Clock, and All Week strength-types._

However, Winry passed over those items without a second thought. As she was about to leave, one box that looked pretty much like all the others caught her eye:

_Magical What If Machine!_

_Same as the one used on Futurama! Except with a bigger screen and surround sound!_

_Get together with your friends and ask it questions like:_

_**What if I went to the prom with Bobby?**_

**_What if the world was at peace?_**

_**What if our world was actually an anime that insomniac otaku watch?**_

_Assembly required. Detailed instructions on how (almost) everything works included._

**_Caution: May trap you inside your house for any duration of time, crossover your universe with other universes, make main characters fall from your ceiling, and meet deranged fanfic authoresses/authors._**

Winry squealed when she read the part about 'assembly required', and read no further. She grabbed the box and showed it to the woman.

"Can you PLEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEE tell me how much this is?" Winry spazzed, hopping up and down in excitement. The woman looked at the box.

"Ah, The Wha' If Machine? Tha's a popular one, I daresay. Tha's m' last one. Normally, I'd charge 100 dollars (I don't remember their currency, so I'll call it dollars) for it, butcha so nice an' all…'ow about… Ten dollars, then? Izza' good with ya, missy?"

"GOOD? IT'S GREAT! OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Winry exclaimed, quickly giving the woman ten dollars and running off with her new toy. The woman 'heh'ed in a low voice, the feigned accent dropped.

"This'll be great…" She said, grinning mischievously. Another person then came by to examine her wares, and the woman immediately went back to her fake accent.

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"Almost there…just one more screw aaaaaaaaaaand…" Winry screwed in the last screw with her wrench. "YAY, IT'S DONE!"

You see, after getting the What If Machine, Winry spent three days and three nights building it. It was a 50 inch plasma screen with the part you ask questions into attached. It was mounted on the living room wall. Also, something strange had happened when Winry got home. It seemed that her house had two more stories and a basement added on to it, along with strange things that had notes attached that said that the strange things were 'outlets' that you 'plug electrical items into'. As Winry danced in celebration, Grandma Pinako came down from upstairs.

"So, you finally finished that thing?" Pinako asked. Winry stopped dancing and turned to face her grandma.

"Yeah, took me forever! Still, that was easier than putting Automail together! It was also mad fun!"

"So," Pinako said, walking towards the odd machine, "You just turn it on and ask it a question that starts with 'What If', and it shows you on the screen?"

"Yeah, that's what the directions said," Winry answered. She then picked up the 'cord' that she had to 'plug in' to the 'outlet'. She managed to fit it in after a couple mistakes. Suddenly, a red button with 'START' in white letters appeared on the bottom center of the screen's frame.

"Hey Grandma, can you push that button for me? It starts the machine," Winry said, staring at the outlet and trying to figure out how it works by looking at it. Pinako shrugged.

"Sure, okay." Pinako pushed the button. Suddenly, everything was tinted blue. Winry and Pinako stared at it.

"Uhh, did someone break the color or something?" earthquake Winry asked, looking around.

"I'm not sure," Pinako said, keeping calm, "Read the directions, Winry, there has to be something in them about tinting things different colors."

"Right, Grandma!" Winry picked up the directions and went to the 'problems' section:

_If you have experienced strange things happening after you have purchased the What If Machine, like your house getting bigger, the appearance of outlets with notes on them, and/or everything tinting blue after you press the start button, you're screwed! You should've read the cautions! Heh heh, sucks for you!_

"Well, this sucks!" Winry exclaimed, "Where are the cautions?" She then turned to the 'cautions' section:

_You're experiencing the problems, right? You didn't read the cautions before you bought this? They were on the friggen box label in **CAPITALLIZED, ITALIC, BOLD, AND UNDERLINED WORDS LIKE THIS!** Too bad that was the only place we printed the cautions, huh? Sucks for you! Heh heh!_

Winry threw the book out the window, which I decided is now open. "Dammit! Grandma, did I throw the box out?"

"First of all, don't use anymore of that language in this house, young lady," Pinako stated, "And second, yeah, you threw out the box after tearing it up into tiny, microscopic pieces, and even if we found them all, we probably wouldn't be able to put them all together again, and I doubt any alchemist could."

"Wait, alchemy! That's it! I did save all the pieces, now that I remember! We'll just call Ed to come over and fix the box!" Winry ran to the telephone and started to dial Ed's number.

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Meanwhile…

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Ed sighed as he tossed another useless book out the window. Al looked at his older brother, and sighed as well. They had been sitting in their room for two days and two nights now, trying to find more books about the Philosopher's Stone. From their open window, they could hear Sheska (that's how her name's spelled, right? It's spelled that way in the manga…) lecturing them from below about how they shouldn't be so careless with books.

"Geez, Al," Ed said, grabbing another book, "You'd think we'd find even one book that at least mentions the Philosopher's Stone, or some way to make it without sacrificing humans, but NOOOOOOOOO, we can't find jack, can we?"

"Nope, Nii-san," Al said, also grabbing another book, "I disagree. We had that very interesting book about girls and boys, and I showed it to you, and you screamed bloody murder and threw it out the window."

"Well, how else was I supposed to keep you from losing your naïve-ness? That was a sexual reproduction book," Ed muttered under his breath as he remembered stumbling on the exact same book one day. He'd be scared of losing his virginity after he read that book, but it had also given him much more respect for women…not that he never had any, mind you, but he had craploads more now. Anyway, Al didn't hear his brother's comment, and they went back to flipping through pages. Suddenly, Roy, Riza, Black Hayate, and Armstrong burst into the room.

"Whoa! WTF, can we have some flipping privacy?" Ed shouted.

"No FullMetal, you can't because you're so short," Roy said, keeping calm as he waited for the storm (get it? Calm? Storm? Oh, never mind…).

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL THAT MICROSCOPIC ORGANISMS EAT THINGS LIKE HIM FOR BREAKFAST?" Ed exploded, throwing books at Roy. Roy snapped his fingers at the books and reduced them to ashes in two seconds while, amazingly, not torching everyone else (okay, he wanted to torch Ed, but he isn't THAT mean). Then suddenly, two seconds later, when she sensed that her precious books had gone up in flames, Sheska barged into Ed's room.

"Whoa! How'd you get here so fast, Sheska? And haven't you people ever heard of knocking?" Ed asked, looking confused.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH…OF EVERYONE TREATING BOOKS LIKE DIRT!" Sheska yelled, whipping out a metal baseball bat from somewhere. Everyone screamed. Ed, Al, Roy, Riza, and Hayate dove under Ed's bed (heh, that rhymes!) for protection. Armstrong, however, stayed standing.

Don't worry, guys, I'll calm her!" Armstrong yelled. He then ripped off his shirt and many pink sparkles appeared. "…With my special brand of calming that the Armstrong family has used for generations!" Everyone except Sheska and Armstrong groaned in annoyance. Just then Breda, Havoc, and Fury entered the room.

"We just wanted to see what the yelling was…" Havoc started, but then he and the others saw the metal bat, the pink sparkles, and their commander hiding under the bed. They stared for a moment, then…

"EVERYONE UNDER THE BED!" Fury yelled, dragging Breda and Havoc with him. He stuffed them under the bed and dove in after them. It was clearly nothing short of a miracle that all those people were able to fit under Ed's bed. Heck, it was even amazing that Al could fit under the bed. Anyway, Breda felt something next to him push against him. He put a hand on it; it was…Black Hayate!

"Hiya, Hayate, you good doggie…" Breda said, petting Hayate. His words then sunk in.

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!" He screamed, shooting out from under the bed. He jumped on top of Ed's dresser and started screaming in fear. Riza the came out from under the bed and fired three warning shots into the ceiling (In unrelated news, the Narrator ended up sporting a couple bullet wounds, but that's not important right now), which shut everyone up.

"Alright, that's enough," Riza said, "We should all just calm down and go home. It's been a long couple days because we've all been stuck here doing our jobs and stuff, and I know that I'm probably the sanest person in this room and calming down is hard for you guys, but seriously, CHILL." Everyone calmly nodded, and were about to listen to Riza Hawkeye's advice, when suddenly Scar barged into the room! Everyone gasped except Ed, who calmly walked up to Scar.

"Listen, Scar, I know you're probably here to murder all of us in the name of Ishbala, but would it kill you to knock?" Ed asked, obviously holding back his rage because no one would simply knock on his door.

"Uh, no," Scar said, "Actually, I just came in here to see if this place has tinted blue like outside yet."

"Huh?" Everyone else said. Al looked out the window and gasped.

"He's right! Everything IS tinted blue!" Al exclaimed. Just then, the whole room tinted blue as well. Everyone stared at it.

"Uh, okay, this falls under the jurisdiction of 'WTFH', A.K.A What The Flipping Hell," Ed stated. Then there was a flash of light and everyone disappeared. And then the phone rang, the person on the other line being Winry (and you knew that, but I wanted to reiterate it.).

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Meanwhile…

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Envy slumped in his chair at the dinner table, the other Homunculi sitting at the table with him (yeah, this includes Greed. He decided join up with them again. And if you're wondering: Dante has been tied up and locked in a closet because she told them to do it to her. Go figure. And why are they all sitting at the dinner table? It was their tea time). He was the only one bored.

"I'm boooooooooooooooored," He said.

"You could chew on the table with me," Gluttony said while gnawing on said table.

"I don't feel like getting splinters in my mouth," Envy retorted.

"You can help me paint my nails," Lust said, dipping her long nails into a bucket of red nail polish (It was really blood, but nobody else knew that…).

"And risk getting that red stuff on me? No thanks."

"You could play outside with me," Wrath said, bouncing a blue ball on the table.

"I don't even like you." Wrath pouted, upset, but didn't launch out a retort.

"You can have tea with me," Sloth offered, motioning to the teapot.

"I **REALLY** don't like you, and our tea tastes like crap, no matter what you put in it."

"You can play chess with me," Pride said, pointing to the chess board in front of him.

"Why would I do something that would make me even MORE bored?"

"You and me could go kill a few people, bring their corpses back here, have sex with them, and them mutilate them," Greed said. Everyone else stared at him like he had some sort of disease.

"One, that's a little too nasty, even for me," Envy responded, "Two, you creep me out, so…no."

"Well then, what're you going to do?" Lust asked, touching up her nails with a little brush. Envy shrugged and rose from his seat.

"I dunno, get a book, throw daggers at a picture of the chibi, something like that," He said. Just then, the whole room tinted blue.

"…What the flip?" Envy asked. Everyone else shrugged; they didn't know what happened. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and everyone disappeared. The blue tint disappeared. Then the closet door fell down, and Dante scrambled out of it.

"Ta-Da! The great Dante-Dini has escaped The Closet of DOOM!" She shouted. She then looked around for her beloved Homunculi.

"Uh, where'd everybody go?" She asked stupidly.

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Meanwhile…

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"…And this one is from our wedding reception; we dunked Roy in the punch bowl! Man, God, you should've heard all the stuff he said afterwards, it was one of those 'You-Had-To-Be-There' moments!" Hughes, since dying, had been showing God craploads of pictures from his life. God sighed in annoyance.

"Maes, you've shown me that picture twelve times: this one which is the original, the four you digitally enhanced, the three in black-and-white, and the four where you put the picture on Paint and made every guy have curly mustaches!"

"I know, but like you said, this one's the original! It's the best out of all of them!" Hughes then grinned really wide. Suddenly (yeah, how anti-climactic, I know), Heaven was tinted blue.

"Well, I'll be seeing you later, Hughes," God said, knowing what happens when things tint blue. Hughes gave God a look of confusion.

"What do you mean?" Hughes asked innocently. He then disappeared in a flash of light. God looked around to make sure Hughes was gone, and then motioned for people to come in. Suddenly, Heaven turned into a hip and happening dance club!

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Meanwhile… (This is the last one, I promise!)

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AnimeDutchess sighed as she put her History homework away. It had been a long day, what with school and homework and friends, and traveling between dimensions a couple days ago had exhausted her.

"Finally, I'm done!" She said. She then grabbed her cloak that she had worn when she had been posing as the British salesperson and put it on. "Gee, I wonder if Winry finished the What If Machine yet?" She was about to travel dimensions when suddenly, her whole bedroom tinted blue. She sighed in annoyance.

"I guess she did, and what bad timing, too. Dammit, I have a Chemistry test tomorrow!" She said before disappearing in a flash of light. The blue tint then disappeared, and her youngest brother then peeked into her room.

"Sis? Sis, you there?" He asked cutely (he's only three). He looked around, but he didn't see his sister. All he saw was her scary fake spider, Dilbert.

"Ah! Dilbert, no! You scary! I hate you!" He shouted, running out of the room.

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A/N: Heh heh, I loved writing that! Humor is my strong suit! Anyway, did you like it? I really hoped you did! Half the time I laughed my ass off because I couldn't believe what I made the characters do!

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Random Questions Dude: Where has everyone gone? What has driven half the cast to act like idiots in the first chapter? Why won't anyone knock on Ed's door before entering? Will Envy stop being bored? And most importantly: Is the authoress a psycho, scaring her baby brother with a fake spider? gets whacked by authoress Owie!

AnimeDutchess: I am NOT a psycho! You'd do that too if your brother tore your room apart whenever he went in there, WHICH IS EVERYDAY!

Random Questions Dude: Okay, okay, sheesh. Anyway, tune in next chapter for the answer to (possibly) some of these questions!

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Next Chapter Dude: Everyone meets in Winry's house, and they blame the authoress for their misfortune! The fourth wall keeps breaking, the Narrator keeps getting bashed, the Disclaimer Dude keeps stealing things, and everyone decides to have fun with the What If Machine as long as they can have Pocky! It's wild, crazy, and filled with yummy Pocky humor! So stay tuned and review, folks! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it!


	2. Sure, Gang Up on the Authoress!

_**What If…**_

By AnimeDutchess

_**Chapter 2: Sure, Gang Up On The Authoress!**_

A/N: W00T! This is super awesome; chapter 2! And I love everyone that reviewed, but due to that…rule…angry anime vein appears on head (heh, yeah, it irks me), gives a forced smile, eyebrow twitching please expect a review reply soon!

So, you ready for insanity? If you're not, sucks for you!

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Summary Dude: A parody of Futurama's What If Machine! Winry is given the parts and instructions to make an amazing machine that will answer everyone's questions! Unfortunately, once she's finished with the machine, every major character in FMA (a.k.a. the main ones that populate most fics like these) appears and is trapped in her house with a deranged fangirl/fanfic authoress, A.K.A. the person who gave Winry the machine stuff, A.K.A. me! What's a blonde mechanic to do? Make everyone ask the machine stupid questions, that's what!

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Disclaimer Dude: AnimeDutchess owns nothing but herself, this story idea, us dudes that work for her, the Narrator who also works for her, and Winry's wrench! holds up wrench

Winry: snatches wrench and hits Disclaimer Dude with it You try that again and you'll get worse, ya kleptomaniac! walks away

Disclaimer Dude: rubs head Owie…okay, she doesn't own that…

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Warning Dude: This fic contains insanity, random quotes, Pocky, spoilers, OOC characters, random guest star appearances, parodies, pictures of Elycia, the Closet of DOOM, Narrator bashing, drug references, and small traces of mental instability. Side affects may include hyperactive giggling, hyperactive hopping, flaming the authoress for her stupid-ness, and being screeched at by the Narrator. We advise not drinking liquids during the duration of this fanfiction.

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Winry slammed the phone down back on the receiver when no one picked up after 1,279 rings. Her house is **_STILL_** tinted blue.

"I can't believe it! No one picked up! And why'd I stay on the phone so long?" She rambled, obviously pissed. Pinako sighed and patted her granddaughter's shoulder.

"Don't worry; I'm sure Ed has a perfectly good reason for not picking up the phone. Maybe he was engulfed in a flash of light and he'll be dropping down from our ceiling soon." Just then, Ed dropped down from the ceiling. "See, what'd I tell you?"

"ED!" Winry yelped, running to the chibi's side. "Ed, are you alright? ED!" The blonde boy groaned and looked up at Winry.

"Winry? Wh…what are you doing in my room?" Ed mumbled out.

"We're not in your room, Ed, we're at my house! How'd you get here? I was just calling you!" Ed blinked, as though to unclutter his mind.

"Well…Al and I were reading… Sheska was yelling at us…then that baka taisa and his friends burst in…I swear, no one knocks…and then Scar came in…and he said everything was blue outside…kinda like how it is in here…and then there was this…light…and now I'm here…"

"Wow, you were right on the target, Grandma," Winry commented to Pinako, who simply nodded. "Wait…where's everyone else?" Ed blinked, confused.

"I…really don't know…" Ed said, slowly sounding less and less high. There was then a loud crash as Al fell into the room.

"Ow…" Al said as he rubbed his head (even though I don't know how a suit of armor would feel pain…ah well!). He then looked around. "Whoa, how'd I get here?"

"You just fell from the ceiling!" Winry exclaimed, pointing to the ceiling. "First Edward, now you? Geez, how many people are gonna fall from my ceiling today?"

"Wait…Al, you fell from the ceiling, right?" Ed asked, the wheels turning in that cute little chibi head of his. Al nodded, kinda feeling that Ed's question was unnecessary and just a dramatic plot enhancer. Ed scratched his head, and he was thinking hard for a few seconds until realization smacked him in the face.

"Al! Who else was in the room with us?" Ed asked urgently.

"Uh…well, there was Sheska …Roy, Riza, Hayate…Armstrong…Havoc, Fury, Breda…oh, and Scar! Why?" Ed's eyes just got really wide.

"Guys, we'd better move," Ed stated, quickly pulling Al, Winry, and Pinako over to the side (dang, he's strong for a chibi, isn't he?).

"Why should we be moving?" Winry asked.

"Think about it. Al and I fell from your ceiling after we saw that crazy light. Those others probably saw the same light, too. What do you think will happen?" The others thought about it while Ed pushed them over to the side, and then looks of fear appeared on their faces.

Everyone was going to fall through the ceiling.

No sooner had they moved over to the side, Roy, Riza, Armstrong, and Hayate fell throught the ceiling in a pile (in this order from the floor up: Armstrong, Roy, Riza, Hayate). Armstrong amazingly had his shirt on again (do I hear a WTF?). They all groaned as they slid off each other.

"Oh my gosh! Are you guys alright?" Winry exclaimed, running over to them.

"Yeah, just don't take Mr. Fire-Pants, mommy…" Roy said, dazed. Winry just rolled her eyes at Roy's lapse in sanity as she helped everyone up.

"Geez, why did we fall from the ceiling?" Riza asked, rubbing her head. She then spotted Ed and Al. "Oh, you guys are okay!"

"Yeah, but you might want to move, or everyone else will fall on top of you," Ed said, pulling Riza towards the side. She dragged Roy to the side with her as Armstrong pranced over to the side (yea, pranced. Deal with it!). Then Sheska fell into the room on her bottom.

"Owies…" She said, rubbing her sore bottom. She then glanced around the room and saw the others. "Oh, hey everybody!" She said, completely forgetting that she was mad at everyone for what they had done to her precious books (or for just being around said disrespecters of books). Then she squealed when she saw Winry.

"Winry, what's up?" Sheska asked, rushing over to Winry.

"Nothing really, just people falling from the ceiling," Winry responded, totally lost in girl talk. Then Riza and Pinako joined in, and the quartet of girls blathered on about girly-things. All the guys just gave them a weird look.

"Its times like this that I fear women," Roy said.

"Girls are weird…" Ed and Al said at the same time.

"…I don't get it…"Armstrong said, not understanding why the others were saying stuff about girls.

"Woof!" Black Hayate barked. Then Den, Winry's dog, came into the room. Den and Hayate saw each other, fell in love, and ran into some random closet (but WAS it a random closet?) to make plans to elope in Vegas. Yaoi dog love!

…Anyway, the guys just stared at the girls until Breda, Havoc, and Fury fell into the room. Then everyone stared at Breda, Havoc, and Fury.

"Whoa, that was insane!" Fury commented, getting up, "I mean, it hurt, too, but wow!"

"Okay, no one knows where you're going with this Fury, so calm down," Havoc said, taking out a cigarette and his trusty lighter.

"Uh, Havoc…" Breda said, trying to warn Havoc of the impending doom…

"DON'T YOU DARE LIGHT THAT THING, JEAN HAVOC!" BAM BAM BAM

…Of Riza Hawkeye screeching at him and shooting her gun with such amazing aim that she managed to shoot the cigarette. Havoc shivered in fear and slowly inched away until he was behind a chair, and then he hid behind the chair like a scared little child. Yup, Riza has that much power over men when she shoots her gun. She smirked triumphantly as she slid her gun back into its holster. Everyone else (besides Havoc; he was still scared shitless) looked at Riza like she was crazy, but she didn't seem to mind. Then Scar fell into the room, and everyone screamed bloody murder and hid behind furniture.

"I'm **_NOT_** here to kill you," He said, slightly pissed as he got up, "Honestly, just because I'm a serial killer, you people always think I've come for your lives. Have you ever wondered if I just dropped by to say hi and stuff?"

"NO," Everyone else (yeah, Havoc's all better now) said, still behind the furniture.

"Well, we were all brought to this place for a reason. It must be the Will of God that we be here, and I have a feeling that we shouldn't be killing each other right now, so I say let's call a temporary truce," Scar explained. Ed peeked out from his hiding place.

"A truce, you say?" Ed asked. Scar nodded.

"All right! Sure, what the heck?" Ed exclaimed, jumping out from his hiding place. He ran towards Scar and shook his hand.

"Ed, don't! It's a trap!" Everyone else screamed. But it was, amazingly, not a trap.

"It's **_NOT_** a trap," Scar said, slightly pissed. Seeing as how Ed wasn't in danger and Scar kept saying it wasn't a trap, the others reluctantly came out from behind the furniture. And then…Envy fell from the ceiling right on top of Edward. Everyone else immediately ran towards the wall (even Scar) because that FREAKED everybody out. Ed groaned.

"Man, it feels like a cross-dressing, anorexic palm tree fell on top of me," Ed complained. Envy, who was perfectly fine, heard Ed's comment (well, it was obvious he would, I mean, like, he's sitting on top of Ed, and Ed's laying on his back) and leaned over so their faces were just a centimeter apart to face the blonde chibi.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A CROSS-DRESSING PALM TREE WITH AN EATING DISORDER, HAGANE NO O'CHIBI-SAN?" Envy screeched, freaking Edward out but nonetheless igniting his short fuse of a temper.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO SEE HIM WITH TWELVE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MICROSCOPES COMBINED?" Ed retorted, getting EXTREMELY mad.

"YOU, DUMBASS!"

"DON'T CALL ME A DUMBASS, YOU PHSYCOPATH!

"MIDGET!"

"HE-SHE!"

"DAD'S FAVORITE!"

"Huh?" Ed said.

"Nothing. Forget it." Envy said, not wanting to delve deeper into the spoiler. "Anyway," he got up off of Edward, "Why the hell am I here with you losers?"

"Because the Almighty light brought us here!" Armstrong randomly exclaimed. Everyone just stared at Armstrong for a minute.

"…O-kay…" Envy said, clearly confused, "Well, I saw a light before I fell on o'chibi-san over here (Ed had steam coming out of his ears at this point), so I guess it's just like how you nerds got here."

"One, stop insulting us," Roy said, also getting slightly ticked, "Two, can you please tell us who was in the room with you when you saw the light? 'Cause they'll be falling from the ceiling, too." Envy 'Hmm'ed, scratching his head.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeell…It was just me and…uh, five of the other Homunculi…yeah, and, uh…we, uh…captured the Fuhrer! Yeah, that's it…" Envy grinned to himself, happy that he kept the true identity of Pride a secret. Everyone just stared at him.

"Ah, okay, well, let's all move to the side, then" Al said, "We don't want to get squashed like Ni-san did." Everyone else nodded and went to the side…just as Wrath fell from the ceiling on his bottom. He stared into space for a minute before bursting into tears.

"Owwwwwwww! I hurt my bottom!" The chibi Homunculus said, getting up and rubbing his said bottom. He then spotted Envy. "Envy! Make the boo-boo go away!" He then latched onto Envy's leg.

"Yeah, Envy," Ed teased, "Make the boo-boo go away!" Then he and the rest of the cast there laughed hysterically.

"STOP LAUGHING!" Envy shouted. He then turned to Wrath, who was latched to his leg. "AND GET OFF ME, DAMN YOU!" Wrath let go of Envy, sniffed, and his eyes got really big and watery…and he started to cry very loudly, the tears erupting from his eyes like fountains.

"Ooo…that wasn't very nice, Envy," The rest of the cast there said, shaking their heads in shame.

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FCK!" Envy screamed, clearly ticked. Then, Lust fell into the room, Gluttony following soon after. They both narrowly missed Envy.

"HOLY SHIT!" Everyone exclaimed, forgetting the strange argument and pressing themselves against the wall. Lust got up and dusted herself off. She then noticed that everyone in the room was looking at her. She sweat-dropped.

"Uhh…hi, everybody…" She said, a little weirded out. Then Scar stepped forward and pointed at Lust.

"YOOOOOOOU!" he exclaimed, pissed off.

"Uh, yeah, me," Lust said, slightly weirded out, "What about me?"

"YOOOOOOOU!"

"Uhhh…"

"YOOOOOOOU!"

"OKAY, WE GET IT!" Winry exclaimed because she couldn't take the madness anymore, even though there was much, much more to come, "I BEG OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Everyone just stared at Winry. Then everyone heard the sound of bending metal, and they turned around to see Gluttony eating Winry's favorite wrench. Winry went ballistic.

"GET THE FCK OFF OF MY WRENCH YOU FCKING FATASS!" she shrieked, ripping her half-eaten wrench from his mouth and tossing it out the open window (in other news, the Narrator was hospitalized for having a wrench lodged in his brain. No one knows how it got there…heh heh heh…). She then grabbed Gluttony by the scruff of his neck and amazingly, with her amazing strength that was fueled by immense rage, dragged him over to her random closet. She swung open the door…and saw Den and Hayate in front of a priest-dog in a Las Vegas chapel.

"Okay," the priest-dog said. "Anyone with an objection to these two male dogs tying the knot better speak now or you'll be regretting it for the rest of your pathetic life." He then spotted Winry. "Oh, so you're the absent maid of honor?" The priest-dog asked. Winry just gave the dogs a blank stare before throwing Gluttony into the chapel and slamming the door.

"Okay," She said, feeling like she'd go to an insane asylum any day now, "Can anyone explain that?" Suddenly, Sloth and Pride (who's really the Fuhrer, but we'll just call him Pride), who had just fallen into the room, whistled innocently. Winry turned to them, an insane smile spreading across her face.

"You two know what's going on, don't you?" She asked in a voice that would rival Envy's in creepiness.

"Yeah, actually, that's the Closet of DOOM," Sloth said in a matter-of-fact voice, "We don't know how it came into existence, but it's really fun."

"Yeah, we…I mean, they think it was from a failed closet transmutation," Pride said, covering up his small slip-up. Winry was about to explode from the insanity when…Greed dropped into the room! Everyone looked at Greed while he got up and looked at everyone looking at him. He grinned evilly.

"Awesome! Attention for ME!" He said, glad that he now had something. Then, just as Greed was enjoying all this attention…Hughes fell into the room! Everybody in the military who knew that Hughes had died immediately went crazy with happiness.

"OH MI GOSH IT'S HUGHES!" They shouted

"HOLY CRAP IT'S YOU GUYS!" Hughes said, extremely happy.

"OH MI GOSH IT'S HUGHES!"

"HOLY CRAP, IT'S YOU GUYS!"

This continued for a couple minutes until Ed just couldn't take it anymore. "WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALL MORE EXCITED THAN NORMAL AND STUFF?" He started panting because of all the yelling he did. Everyone stared at him.

"…Ed, don't you know?" Sheska asked.

"Know what?"

"Well…Hughes is…supposed to be…dead…" Ed raised an eyebrow, and then went over to Hughes and started poking him.

"I don't get it," Ed said, poking Hughes, "How can you be dead, Hughes? You feel alive to me…"

"Well, I was dead," Hughes explained, "I was chilling with God, you know, showing him all these pictures I have, and then Heaven turns blue and I fall down here and see you guys."

"That's impossible! There is no God!" Ed exclaimed.

"Yes there is," Hughes said, "And he's really sorry for what happened to you and Al." Then Greed pouted, since everyone was ignoring him, since Hughes deserved all the attention…

"HEY, I WANT MY ATTENTION BACK! HELLO, CRAZY PSYCHO OVER HERE!" Greed shouted, trying to get some attention.

"Yeah, yeah, that's nice," Ed said, still trying to figure all this out. Greed growled angrily, and then thought of something that would get everyone's attention.

"You know, Envy killed Hughes," Greed said casually. Everyone that was not a Homunculus went rigidly still and slowly turned around to face Envy, psychotic looks on their faces. The said Homunculus sweat-dropped.

"Eheh…" He said nervously. Then, just as they were about to pounce on Envy and tear him limb from limb, a strange cloaked figure fell from the ceiling and almost squashed Envy. Everyone went silent as they stared at the strange visitor; they'd never seen this person anywhere in the series, and they were most defiantly not in any upcoming episodes or the movie, either. They watched them get up as the whole world slowly turned back to its original colors.

As they stood up, everyone got a better look at them. They wore a long, hooded, black cloak that hid any and all features, except their body shape, which was that of a young woman. She was fairly tall, and the tips of her boots poked out from under her cloak. She groaned and rubbed her head.

"Ouch…" she groaned. She then looked around at everyone staring at her, and gasped, shaking.

"Holy…oh my…I-I'm gonna fait…" She said, a hint of disbelief in her voice. Then Winry's eyes widened.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" She asked. The girl froze and turned slowly to Winry, shaking nervously.

"Uhm…well, maybe…" The girl said. Then Winry gasped.

"Hey, you're that girl who sold me that damned What If machine in the first place! I knew that accent was phony! Who the heck are you, and was that some kind of sick joke?" The girl winced as Winry yelled, and then hung her head.

"I'm really sorry," She said sincerely, "I just honestly didn't expect that I'd be dragged into this, too." Everyone just stared at her. "I mean, I thought that it'd be pretty funny, you know, to watch you guys go bonkers…I didn't expect to be pulled in as well…"

"Wait, you mean you knew this would happen?" Riza asked, inconspicuously reaching for her gun. The girl nodded, her head still down.

"And what do you mean by watching us?" Roy asked, ready to burn the girl to ashes. The girl's head shot up and she started to tremble. Everyone raised an eyebrow at her behavior. She then covered her mouth with one hand and started to giggle uncontrollably. Everyone sweat-dropped and looked at Roy.

"What? What'd I say?" He asked, which only made the girl giggle more until she just couldn't hold her fangirl side back. She made a high-pitched squeal noise.

"HOLY CRAP, ROY TALKED TO ME! HOLY CRAP!" She said rather loudly. Everyone gave her a weird look; how'd she know Roy's name?

"Hey, how do you know baka taisa's name? We never told you!" Ed stated, slightly confused and pissed. The girl immediately went silent and turned to Ed. She then squealed again and started jumping up and down.

"OH MY GOSH, ED TALKED TO ME! OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!" She yelled, further damaging everyone's eardrums. Envy, completely pissed, morphed his arm into a blade and grabbed the girl, bringing the blade close to her throat. She stopped screaming immediately.

"Listen," He whispered, "If you don't stop screaming, I will seriously slit your throat. No kidding whatsoever." The girl was silent, and then…

"ENVY THREATENED ME! THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" She screeched. This caused Envy to drop her promptly, change his arm back, and cover his ears as she screamed like crazy. After a few minutes, the screaming lessened. Everyone lowered their hands from their ears. She gasped for air and stood up, her breath leaving her body in laughs.

"I…hah…I'm sorry…hah hah…it's just…ahah…I'm a…hah...huge fan of…ahah…you guys…" She then proceeded to breathe deeply to compose herself. Everyone gave her a weird look.

"A fan? We have a fan?" Sloth asked, having a slightly sluggish brain (forgive the pun, please!). The girl nodded, still breathing deeply.

"I…huh…I forgot you guys…huh…didn't know…" She said, "You guys…huh…are on a…huh…TV show…huh…where I live…huh…and you aren't…huh…real in my world…huh…except for the fact…huh…that you're fictional…" Everyone looked amazed. They were fictional in some other world? It was almost too strange to believe. Then the amazement left them, and they all shrugged.

"Eh, sure, whatever," They said. The girl sweat-dropped.

"You mean…you guys aren't freaked out?" She asked, confused. Everyone shook their head no.

"Weirder things have happened to us," Al said, "And we really don't understand half of what you just said, so it's cool." The girl sighed in relief.

"Ah, so you're not mad. Good," She said. Everyone gave her a WTF look.

"MAD? OF COURSE WE'RE FCKING MAD!" Ed ranted, "WOULDN'T YOU BE MAD IF YOU FELL FROM SOMEONE'S CEILING FOR NO APPARENT REASON?" Everyone else shouted "YEAH!" in agreement. The girl sighed.

"One: yeah, I'd be mad if someone other than myself brought that on me," She started "Two: I just fell from the ceiling for no apparent reason. And three: You guys have a reason." Everyone stopped being mad and started being curious.

"So then…what's our reason for being here?" Scar asked. Everyone stared at him, then stared at the girl.

"Oh, the reason?" She asked, "Well, it's quite simple. Y'see, the What If machine I made summons a whole lot of people to it and traps them in the building it's in until all the people brought here from this world ask the machine a question starting with 'What if'. It'll display the answer on the screen and everyone watches. Once everyone takes a turn, the world will turn blue again and you'll all go back to the place you were before you fell through Winry's ceiling. Got it?" Everyone nodded yes, their faces blank. The girl squealed in delight.

"Yay! Now let's have fun!" She shouted, and flung off her cloak. Everyone gasped at the girl's appearance.

She had long brown hair, blue eyes, glasses, pale skin, and was wearing a red hoodie with 'FullMetal Alchemist' and a couple alchemy arrays on it, black jeans, and black boots. She looked to be about 15. She smiled wide, showing off her braces.

"Fun time! Fun time!" She shouted, jumping up and down in excitement. Everyone was too shocked to speak until…

"Hey, wait a minute!" Greed said, "You're just a kid! Why should we listen to you?" The girl snapped out of her glee and turned to Greed.

"Why should you listen to me? I have powers, that's why!" She pointed to Hughes. "I brought Hughes to life! That should be proof enough!"

"Wait, you brought me to life?" Hughes asked. The girl nodded. "Oh, thank you!" Hughes exclaimed, squeezing the girl in the Maes Hughes Hug of DOOM. "Here, I must show you my appreciation!" He then took out a picture of Elycia and gave it to the girl. "Please feel free to gaze upon the cuteness of my daughter anytime you wish!" He shouted, little anime hearts in his eyes. The girl smiled.

"Thank you very much, but I really can't accept-"

"No, no, I insist!"

"Well…alright…" The girl then looked at the picture of Elycia and squealed. "Aww! She's so cute!"

"Yeah, I know!"

"Hey, stop it!" Greed shouted, frustrated that Hughes had stolen the spotlight from him again. The girl turned to Greed. "You know what, I've decided that I'm not gonna listen to you!"

"I'll give you Pocky," the girl said, snapping her fingers. Then, a whole huge bag filled with boxes of Pocky appeared in front of her (plain Pocky, to specify). She reached into the bag and grabbed a box, and then gave the box to Greed. He stared at it for a minute, and then…

"Free Pocky? Okay, I'm in." He said.

"Anyone else want Pocky?" She asked. Everyone else nodded and came up and got a box of free Pocky.

"Okay," The girl said, "Now that everyone has Pocky, let's get started!" The girl turned to the What If machine, but then a voice said. "Wait a sec!" The girl turned around and saw that Winry had called out to her.

"Yeah, Winry?" The girl asked.

"Well," Winry said, "Since you obviously know our names, what's your name?" The girl blinked.

"My name…oh yeah, my name! Ahah, I forgot to tell you guys my name! Man, I'm stupid…"

_You can say that again,_ everyone else thought, sweat-dropping.

"Anyway, I have a lot of names, but my main name is AnimeDutchess! You can call me…uhh…well, don't call me anything related to AnimeDutchess! Call me Ai!"

"Okay," Winry said, nodding, "Ai it is!"

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

A/N: Arg, finally! Sorry this took so long; it was a combination of schoolwork, writer's block, other stuff, and procrastination! Gosh darnit, Roy's influencing me!

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Random Questions Dude: Why does AnimeDutchess want everyone to call her Ai? Why is she such a fangirl? If Hughes came from Heaven to Winry's house, then why didn't God come? What was the deal with the Pocky? Why does Hughes keep stealing the spotlight from Greed? Who's Mr. Fire-Pants? And most importantly: Who's gonna ask the What If machine a question first?

AnimeDutchess (or from now on, Ai): Not me, that's for sure! Just to tell ya, I go last!

Random Questions Dude: …Riiiiiiiiight…Anyway, check out then next chapter of **_What If…_** to see if anything of actual importance happens!

Ai: It will, don't worry!

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Next Chapter Dude: The first person asks the What If machine a question, and it's somewhat smooth sailing from here on in! Things happen that you'd NEVER see on the show, and there's waaaaaaay more Narrator bashing! It's wacky, wonderful, and Azumanga Daioh characters guest star in the next chapter! So read and review folks! And we at AnimeDutchess Fics Inc. wish everyone a Happy Holidays!


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